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Helping Your Child Develop Empathy

Family
Behaviors & Emotions Developmental Milestones Self-Care and Wellness

Nurture empathy in your child

Empathy is the ability to imagine how someone else is feeling in a particular situation and respond with care. This is a very complex skill for young children (and even adults!) to develop. Being able to empathize with another person means that a child:

  • Understands that they are a separate individual with separate feelings and emotions
  • Understands that others can have different thoughts and feelings than they do
  • Recognizes the common feelings that most people experience—happiness, surprise, anger, disappointment, sadness, etc.
  • Is able to look at a particular situation and imagine how another person might feel in that moment
  • Can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in that particular situation

Connect with a SpecialistSocial-Emotional Development

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Featured Video

Developing Empathy

Yes, you can help your child be more empathetic! Join Lauren, our family support specialist, to learn practical tips to help your child develop empathy and understand that others have different thoughts and feelings than they do.

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Understanding and showing empathy is the result of many social-emotional skills that are developing in the first years of life.
Zero to Three
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Milestones in Empathy

Social-emotional skills are like building blocks. Before showing empathy, your child will first need to lay a foundation of many other social-emotional skills. These foundational milestones include:

Infants and Toddlers

Relationships

Establishing a secure, strong, loving relationship with their caregiver is one of the first milestones of empathy. Everything that children learn begins within the context of relationships. Feeling accepted and understood by their parents helps children learn how to accept and understand others as they grow.

Social Referencing

Around six months, babies begin to use social referencing to “check-in” and gauge their parents’ emotions. Babies make sense of the world around them using social referencing. For example, a seven-month-old will look to their mom to watch how she interacts with her friend. This will tell the baby if the friend is good and safe.

Independence

Between the ages of 18 months and two years, toddlers are developing a sense of independence and understanding that everyone does not think, feel, or like the same things as them. At this time, toddlers begin to take perspective and understand that someone else might be feeling sad when they are not.

Self-recognition

Toddlers are also recognizing themselves in the mirror. No longer do they think that it is another baby – they know it is them! This signals that they have a firm understanding that they are separate individuals.

Learn More

Preschool-Aged Children

Understanding Feelings

Between the ages of three and five years, a preschooler’s ability to empathize grows. This growth starts with the ability to understand their own feelings. At age three, young preschoolers are developing their awareness of their own feelings. By ages four and five, they often know when they are feeling sad, happy, angry, etc.

Expressing and Managing Feelings

It can be difficult for preschoolers to express and manage their feelings. This is completely normal! In fact, preschoolers are learning that how they express their feelings can impact themselves and others. For example, a three-year-old may throw a block because they are angry at a friend. With adult support and modeling, they learn that throwing is not an option because it could hurt someone. Instead, when they are angry, they can use their words and say, “Please stop.” or take a break.

Fairness

Preschoolers also have an acute awareness of fairness, and they are better able to imagine what it might be like to be another person. While they know everyone has and feels emotions, they are still developing the skills needed to react to others in appropriate ways. For example, a preschooler may express nervous laughter when someone hurts themselves or get defensive when they make a mistake.

Responding to Others’ Feelings

By age three, your preschooler will begin to respond to others with more sophisticated thought. For example, if you yawn as if you are tired or shiver when you are cold, your child might bring you a blanket. While they are growing in their awareness, they have much to learn and will need adult help to understand how to respond. It is important that we remind preschoolers to think about how it might make them feel and what they could say when another is experiencing a strong emotion.

Teaching Empathy & Kindness

School-Aged Children

Emotional Sharing

School-aged children, from ages five to eight, can identify their feelings and talk about them in some depth. They may be able to identify why they are feeling sad or angry. For the most part, they can manage those emotions with minimal adult support. Emotions will heighten and understanding of emotions will lessen when your child is tired, sick, or hungry.

Cue Reading

The next step in knowing how to respond to others feelings is by reading cues. At this age, your school-ager is learning how to read facial and social cues about other people’s thoughts and feelings. They are learning how to do this by listening to their words but also noticing their actions, gestures, and facial expressions. For example, they are learning that a friend may not like to play a particular way because they walked away from the game or had an angry face.

Being Part of a Community

Starting at five, your child begins to see themselves as part of a community. They want to be an active, valuable member of a group – whether it is your family, class, or friend group! At this time, you will begin to see all the social-emotional skills coming into play. With adult modeling and support, your school-ager is learning how to be compassionate and helpful in a group context. They are learning how to show empathy!

Paving the ways for friendships

Friendships help children develop important life skills, like getting along with other people and sorting out conflicts and problems. Empathy paves the way for children to develop these skills and be a good friend.
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Parenting Strategies

Your role in nurturing empathy

What can you do the nurture empathy in your child?

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Empathize with your child

Label your child's feelings and let them know it is okay to feel that way. Validating does not mean you are allowing that behavior - it is telling them that it is okay to feel that way.
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Suggest ways to show empathy

Offer suggestions as to how your child can care for another, especially when they hurt another - like getting ice for a friend or offering a hug.

Be a role model

Any time you want to teach a skill to a child, it’s important to model it yourself. This way, the child understands what empathy looks like, sounds like, and feels like. Plus, it’s easier to teach a skill that you’ve already mastered yourself.

Use “I” messages

This type of communication models the importance of self-awareness: "I don’t like it when you hit me. It hurts. "Using "I" messages removes the blame and focuses on your own feelings.
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Validate your child’s difficult emotions

Rather than fixing difficult emotions, label and validate your child's emotions. This helps your child learn to handle strong emotions.
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Be patient

Young children are naturally focused on "me", "mine", and "I." Empathy takes time to develop. Empathy is a complex skill they will work on their entire life.
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Talk and read stories feelings

Talk openly about emotions rather than dismissing or burying them. All feelings are valid - it is how we express those feelings that may need support and encouragement.
Book List

Use pretend play

Talk with children about feelings and empathy as you play. It is easier for children to relate to topics like feelings and emotions during play, rather than in the heat of the moment.
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Think through the use of “I’m sorry"

While it may feel “right” for them to say “I’m sorry”, it doesn’t necessarily help children learn empathy. Focus instead on the other person’s feelings and model the use of "I'm sorry" when you make a mistake.
Read More

Validate your child’s difficult emotions

Sometimes when a child is sad, angry, or disappointed, we rush to try and fix the pain. We may want to protect them; however, our children need to learn to cope with strong feelings because they are part of life. Validating their feelings means we tell our children, “We hear you. It is okay to feel the way you are feeling.” When children know what they are feeling and how to manage and express their strong feelings, they are not just learning how to handle their own emotions but also learning how to empathize.

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Acknowledge

“I know how much that hurts. I felt the same way when my friends didn’t want to play with me.”

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Empathize

“That’s how I feel sometimes when I have to go to work. The toys still have to be picked up. I’ll bet you can come up with some good ideas about how to get it done with quickly.”

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Suggest

“I can see that you are very upset with your baby brother right now. I can’t let you hit him, but you can draw a picture about how you feel.”

Emotions and Self-Awareness

We all have feelings! When kids develop a strong emotional toolkit, they are better able to handle the ups and downs of life. Use these tools from PBS Kids to help children develop skills like empathy and expressing their emotions in healthy ways.
PBS Kids
Related News and Resources

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Lerner, Claire & Parlakian, Rebecca. Zero to Three. 2021. How to Help Your Child Develop Empathy.

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