Helping Your Child Develop Empathy

Relationships

Establishing a secure, strong, loving relationship with their caregiver is one of the first milestones of empathy. Everything that children learn begins within the context of relationships. Feeling accepted and understood by their parents helps children learn how to accept and understand others as they grow.

Social Referencing

Around six months, babies begin to use social referencing to “check-in” and gauge their parents’ emotions. Babies make sense of the world around them using social referencing. For example, a seven-month-old will look to their mom to watch how she interacts with her friend. This will tell the baby if the friend is good and safe.

Independence

Between the ages of 18 months and two years, toddlers are developing a sense of independence and understanding that everyone does not think, feel, or like the same things as them. At this time, toddlers begin to take perspective and understand that someone else might be feeling sad when they are not.

Self-recognition

Toddlers are also recognizing themselves in the mirror. No longer do they think that it is another baby – they know it is them! This signals that they have a firm understanding that they are separate individuals.

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Understanding Feelings

Between the ages of three and five years, a preschooler’s ability to empathize grows. This growth starts with the ability to understand their own feelings. At age three, young preschoolers are developing their awareness of their own feelings. By ages four and five, they often know when they are feeling sad, happy, angry, etc.

Expressing and Managing Feelings

It can be difficult for preschoolers to express and manage their feelings. This is completely normal! In fact, preschoolers are learning that how they express their feelings can impact themselves and others. For example, a three-year-old may throw a block because they are angry at a friend. With adult support and modeling, they learn that throwing is not an option because it could hurt someone. Instead, when they are angry, they can use their words and say, “Please stop.” or take a break.

Fairness

Preschoolers also have an acute awareness of fairness, and they are better able to imagine what it might be like to be another person. While they know everyone has and feels emotions, they are still developing the skills needed to react to others in appropriate ways. For example, a preschooler may express nervous laughter when someone hurts themselves or get defensive when they make a mistake.

Responding to Others’ Feelings

By age three, your preschooler will begin to respond to others with more sophisticated thought. For example, if you yawn as if you are tired or shiver when you are cold, your child might bring you a blanket. While they are growing in their awareness, they have much to learn and will need adult help to understand how to respond. It is important that we remind preschoolers to think about how it might make them feel and what they could say when another is experiencing a strong emotion.

Teaching Empathy & Kindness

Emotional Sharing

School-aged children, from ages five to eight, can identify their feelings and talk about them in some depth. They may be able to identify why they are feeling sad or angry. For the most part, they can manage those emotions with minimal adult support. Emotions will heighten and understanding of emotions will lessen when your child is tired, sick, or hungry.

Cue Reading

The next step in knowing how to respond to others feelings is by reading cues. At this age, your school-ager is learning how to read facial and social cues about other people’s thoughts and feelings. They are learning how to do this by listening to their words but also noticing their actions, gestures, and facial expressions. For example, they are learning that a friend may not like to play a particular way because they walked away from the game or had an angry face.

Being Part of a Community

Starting at five, your child begins to see themselves as part of a community. They want to be an active, valuable member of a group – whether it is your family, class, or friend group! At this time, you will begin to see all the social-emotional skills coming into play. With adult modeling and support, your school-ager is learning how to be compassionate and helpful in a group context. They are learning how to show empathy!