Positive Parenting

Think about the situations that are most likely to lead to defiant behaviors and come up with “workarounds.” For example, if you frequently battle over getting dressed in the morning, offer two outfits that work for you and allow your child to choose their favorite.

• Offer choices
• Plan ahead
• Give transition warnings
• Use a timer or picture schedule
• Provide concrete cues
• Follow through

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Validate your child’s feelings. Remember that it’s not the child’s feelings that are the problem, it’s what your child does with their feelings that can be challenging. Validating does not mean “giving in” but rather provides acknowledgement that their feelings and opinions matter.

Validating sounds like:

• “I hear how sad you feel that you can’t wear your dinosaur costume to preschool.”
• “I know you don’t want to put your pajamas on. It’s hard to go from playtime to bedtime.”

Teaching Empathy

Instead of “No, we can’t go to the park,” try “The park sounds awesome! Should we go Friday after school or Saturday morning?”

While there will still be situations that require a hard “no,” by offering “yes” more often you’ll increase the chances your child will tune you back in.

The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) has a great resource on creating “yes” environments. While this resource is targeted to child care programs, there are some great take-aways and strategies to implement at home!

The easiest way to avoid an unnecessary battle is to take a few seconds to ask yourself: “Is this a limit I really need to set?” Some things are just not worth the fight. If it does not hurt someone or something, it might be a behavior you can ignore.

Avoiding Power Struggles

Did you know that the brain is a social organ? Our brains develop and even change, making new connections as we interact with others and have experiences in our environments.

For young children, this means their interactions with their caregivers are critical. We can support our child’s brain development and ability to calm their emotions through co-regulation – the process of a child adjusting their feelings and actions to match the positive emotions of their caregiver.

This means we must try our best to stay calm, positive, and regulated for our children. Here are some tips for managing our emotions in the heat of the moment:

• Take three deep breaths before you support a strong feeling or manage a challenging behavior. You can say out loud, “I am feeling a little flustered. I am going to take three deep breaths to find my calm.” This will model to your child a calming strategy while providing you with a moment.
• Try positive self-talk throughout your day and during stressful situations. The act of telling yourself positive affirmations can provide a sense of strength and resilience.
• Set realistic goals for your day. Sometimes we enter situations already feeling stressed, and as caregivers, it is often because we are trying to do too much. Take time to manage your stress by avoiding taking on more than you can handle.
• Stay connected to friends and family. You will find that, by making time for relationships and talking through your challenging situations, you will feel supported and better able to cope during stressful situations.

Self-Care for Parents

All behaviors tend to repeat themself when followed by a positive consequence – like a reward. Rewards can encourage good behaviors, but they can also affirm behaviors you don’t want to happen again! Knowing the behaviors you want to reward and the behaviors you want to discipline, or give a negative consequence, can help you support positive behaviors.

As you see those behaviors in action, you can then deliver an immediate consequence – positive or negative.

Positive consequences include:

• Specific praise (e.g. “Wow! Great work putting your blocks away in the bin.”)
• Attention (e.g. extra time playing with dad, spending extra time at grandma’s house)
• Material rewards (e.g. stickers, screentime, an allowance, toys)
• Sometimes you may use all three! (e.g. “I really liked how you did not scream when it was time to go! Let’s stop and get some ice cream on the way home.”)

Negative consequences include:

• Distraction (e.g. having your child focus on something else)
• Natural consequence (e.g. a toy breaks because your child throws it or they clean-up food they threw on the floor)
• Delay privilege (e.g. “I do not like it when you scream at me. You will have to wait and take three deep breaths before you can ride the bike. I will set a timer for two minutes.”)
• Loss of privilege (e.g. “Because you did not turn off screen time, you will not be able to use the iPad.”)

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Connection is about being both physically and emotionally present for your children. It is through this connection that children learn to feel safe within their relationship with their parents and know their basic needs will be met.

Why is connection so important?

• Connection makes children feel safe and not alone
  
• Connection makes children feel important and special
• Connection gives children confidence and increases self-esteem

Cultivating Connection

Connecting with our children does not come naturally for everyone. Our own experiences and upbringing influence the ways in which we naturally connect. When something hasn’t been modeled for us, it doesn’t come naturally. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do it. It just means that we have to make a commitment to it and work at it.

• Practice mindfulness and self-care. Finding time as a parent for ourselves can be challenging, but supporting our own mental and emotional wellness is important not only for ourselves but also for our children.
• Learn to listen. Listening to learn, rather than respond, shows our children that we are present and care about them. Pay attention to your tone, body language, and responses when communicating with your children to listen without judgement.
  
• Establish routines around connection. Take time each day to connect. As a parent, mealtimes, bath, and before bed are great times to spend one-on-one time with our children and put them first.

There are a few different definitions of coaching, but when it relates to parenting, coaching means helping children learn rather than teaching them. A large part of our role as parents is supporting our children to reach their potential through supporting their social, emotional, physical, and cognitive development.

Emotion Coaching

Emotion coaching is a parenting technique that helps children understand their feelings. When we act as an emotional coach for our children, they learn how emotions work and how to react to feelings in healthy ways.parent

Five steps of emotion coaching

Strong willed children can be a challenge when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults. Self-motivated and inner-directed, these children go after what they want, rarely succumb to peer pressure, and become natural-born leaders.

Parenting Tips

• Strong-willed children are experiential learners. That means they have to learn things themselves or the “hard way” rather than being told. Expect your child to test limits until they learn on their own.
• Strong-willed children are prone to power-struggles. As a parent, you do not have to attend every argument to which your child invites you. Pick your battles, take a deep breath, and learn to avoid power struggles.
• Give your child choices. As kids grow up, it’s important they have a say in their own scheduling. Giving a structured choice (one you can live with!) For example, “Do you want to take a shower after dinner or before?” can help them feel empowered and encourage self-regulation.
• Parent with respect and empathy. Children want to be seen and heard and have their feelings validated. Listen to your child’s perspective, model respect by giving respect, and acknowledge your child’s strong emotions.

When it doesn’t feel like its working

When you enter a power struggle with your child, they are throwing things across the room, or screaming “I hate you!” – you may think “this is not working!”  You are not alone. All parents who practice positive parenting techniques have struggled with self-doubt – it is a natural parent of the parenting journey. Check out the seven reasons why it feels like positive parenting isn’t working from Parents with Confidence.

How to respond when your child tells you “no”

“No” is one of the top word toddlers hear. It is easy to say and demands a lot of attention. In fact, it is both developmentally appropriate and an expected milestone for children to assert their independence through the use of “no.” Rather than focusing from the adult perspective, (that your child is being defiant), think about what your child is really telling you. When your child tells you “no” they are simply stating that they do not want to do whatever you are telling them – which is valid. However, often we were not providing a choice. Consider validating that feeling by saying “I hear you. You do not want take a bath.” Then decide if you want to negotiate their demands or stand firm by saying “It is not a choice. It is bath time.” The use of transition warnings, reminders, and choices can limit your child’s desire to assert control and say “no.”