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arrow back All Resources

Positive Parenting

Family
Behaviors & Emotions Infants & Toddlers Preschool Age Children School Age Children

Parenting with love

You’ve asked your child to pick up their toys. Calmly. Clearly. Rationally. Instead of cleaning up, they ignore you. 

“Maybe they didn’t hear me?” you think. So, you ask again – firmly but still with a calm, clear tone. 

Nothing. You get a little louder – still nothing. 

You are frustrated with repeating yourself. And then it happens – BOOM! You blow your fuse.

Out of options and feeling defeated, you’re left screaming the same demands you had requested calmly just minutes ago. Your child looks at you like you have three heads. The energy escalates and everyone is left frustrated and discouraged. 

You have fallen into the repeat, remind, repeat, remind cycle once again. 

Guiding children’s behaviors

It doesn’t have to be like this. Sure, there will be times that things escalate; but, for the most part, there are easier, calmer, and more effective ways of guiding your child’s behavior.

Children have a hard-wired need for power.

Children of all age, toddler through teens, have a hard-wired need for power and control. This is not a bad thing! This need for power drives young children to develop independence, to learn and challenge themselves, and to become their own person. Children thrive when you give them positive options such as choosing which clothes to wear, climbing into the car themselves, or picking what game to play. If you don’t offer these positive choices, they will exert their power negatively.

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Featured Video

Growing in Purposeful Parenting

This workshop provides valuable tips and tools for parents to strengthen their parenting skills in a strategic direction. The goal is to bridge gaps (if any) and affirm family unity in each household. Our featured speaker for this workshop is Tamesha Allen, inspirational speaker, co-author, youth and young adult advocate, educator, scholarship strategist, and seminar leader.

Featured Resource

Positive Parenting Infographic

Use this resource from Zero to Three as a visual reminder of the behaviors associated with positive parenting.
Read More
Positive Parenting

Infants and Toddlers

Young children learn best within the context of relationships. They rely on their caregivers to meet their basic needs, model love and support, and guide their behaviors.

  • Give two options with the same outcome, like “Would you like to hold my hand or would you like me to carry you?”
  • Use natural consequences. Infants and toddlers learn best when their consequence is naturally connected to the behavior. “You bit me. I am putting you down.”
  • Redirect their attention. Infants and toddlers have very short attention spans. Use that to your advantage by simply redirecting them onto something else.
  • Wait it out. It is hard being little. Offer love and support while waiting out the tantrum or emotional outburst.

A Tidbit about Toddlers

A toddler’s attention span is short, so focusing on redirecting their attention and keeping guidance short, sweet, and simple. Show and tell them what you want them to do, and practice, practice, practice.
Toddler Behaviors & Emotions
Positive Parenting

Preschool-Aged Children

Preschoolers are learning how to be friends, engage in the world, and control their bodies and emotions. With a little guidance from their caregivers, these years will build foundational social-emotional skills for your child.

  • Encourage your child to play with other children. When conflict arises, give your child the tools to solve their own problems, rather than fixing it yourself, like “Tell him you do not like it when he pushes you.”
  • Help your child through the steps to solve problems when they are upset, through conversations, emotional support, and using visuals.
  • Give your child the independence to make simple choices, complete simple chores, and play independently.
Positive Parenting

School-Aged Children

During this stage of development, friendships become more and more important. Children quickly develop physical, social, and mental skills; this is a critical time for children to develop confidence.

  • Show your child you are there for them emotionally and have frequent conversations with them about what is going on in their lives.
  • Help your child develop a sense of responsibility.
  • Talk with your child about respecting others. Encourage him to help people in need and talk about diversity.
  • Praise your child for good behavior – focusing more on what they did right rather than what they did wrong.
  • Support your child in taking on new challenges, encouraging them to solve problems on their own.
Diving Deeper

Positive Parenting Strategies

Guide your child's behavior through these positive parenting strategies.

Think prevention

Think about the situations that are most likely to lead to defiant behaviors and come up with “workarounds.” For example, if you frequently battle over getting dressed in the morning, offer two outfits that work for you and allow your child to choose their favorite.

  • Offer choices
  • Plan ahead
  • Give transition warnings
  • Use a timer or picture schedule
  • Provide concrete cues
  • Follow through

Learn More

Respond with empathy

Validate your child’s feelings. Remember that it’s not the child’s feelings that are the problem, it’s what your child does with their feelings that can be challenging. Validating does not mean “giving in” but rather provides acknowledgement that their feelings and opinions matter.

Validating sounds like:

  • “I hear how sad you feel that you can’t wear your dinosaur costume to preschool.”
  • “I know you don’t want to put your pajamas on. It’s hard to go from playtime to bedtime.”

Teaching Empathy

Create a "yes" environment

Instead of “No, we can’t go to the park,” try “The park sounds awesome! Should we go Friday after school or Saturday morning?”

While there will still be situations that require a hard “no,” by offering “yes” more often you’ll increase the chances your child will tune you back in.

The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) has a great resource on creating “yes” environments. While this resource is targeted to child care programs, there are some great take-aways and strategies to implement at home!

Pick your battles

The easiest way to avoid an unnecessary battle is to take a few seconds to ask yourself: “Is this a limit I really need to set?” Some things are just not worth the fight. If it does not hurt someone or something, it might be a behavior you can ignore.

Avoiding Power Struggles

Managing your own emotions

Did you know that the brain is a social organ? Our brains develop and even change, making new connections as we interact with others and have experiences in our environments.

For young children, this means their interactions with their caregivers are critical. We can support our child’s brain development and ability to calm their emotions through co-regulation – the process of a child adjusting their feelings and actions to match the positive emotions of their caregiver.

This means we must try our best to stay calm, positive, and regulated for our children. Here are some tips for managing our emotions in the heat of the moment:

  • Take three deep breaths before you support a strong feeling or manage a challenging behavior. You can say out loud, “I am feeling a little flustered. I am going to take three deep breaths to find my calm.” This will model to your child a calming strategy while providing you with a moment.
  • Try positive self-talk throughout your day and during stressful situations. The act of telling yourself positive affirmations can provide a sense of strength and resilience.
  • Set realistic goals for your day. Sometimes we enter situations already feeling stressed, and as caregivers, it is often because we are trying to do too much. Take time to manage your stress by avoiding taking on more than you can handle.
  • Stay connected to friends and family. You will find that, by making time for relationships and talking through your challenging situations, you will feel supported and better able to cope during stressful situations.

Self-Care for Parents

Consequences and rewards

All behaviors tend to repeat themself when followed by a positive consequence – like a reward. Rewards can encourage good behaviors, but they can also affirm behaviors you don’t want to happen again! Knowing the behaviors you want to reward and the behaviors you want to discipline, or give a negative consequence, can help you support positive behaviors.

As you see those behaviors in action, you can then deliver an immediate consequence – positive or negative.

Positive consequences include:

  • Specific praise (e.g. “Wow! Great work putting your blocks away in the bin.”)
  • Attention (e.g. extra time playing with dad, spending extra time at grandma’s house)
  • Material rewards (e.g. stickers, screentime, an allowance, toys)
  • Sometimes you may use all three! (e.g. “I really liked how you did not scream when it was time to go! Let’s stop and get some ice cream on the way home.”)

Negative consequences include:

  • Distraction (e.g. having your child focus on something else)
  • Natural consequence (e.g. a toy breaks because your child throws it or they clean-up food they threw on the floor)
  • Delay privilege (e.g. “I do not like it when you scream at me. You will have to wait and take three deep breaths before you can ride the bike. I will set a timer for two minutes.”)
  • Loss of privilege (e.g. “Because you did not turn off screen time, you will not be able to use the iPad.”)

Learn More

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Featured Video

Guiding and Responding to Behaviors

All behaviors have a meaning. While it may seem random, our children are trying to communicate with us. We can encourage positive behaviors by focusing on feelings and problem-solving rather than reprimanding and “teaching a lesson”. Join us as we outline positive ways to provide guidance and consequences and learn how to create routines.

behavioral strategies
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Using Behavioral Strategies to Decrease Challenging Behaviors

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Developing Emotional Regulation Skills

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Using Rewards & Consequences to Manage Behaviors

Positive Parenting Strategies

Setting up the environment

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Creating routines

Children thrive on consistency. Routines help children learn what’s expected of them and anticipate what is happening next.
Creating Routines
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Effective transitions

Change is hard for children. Transition strategies can help prevent meltdowns and lower anxiety in children.
Transition Strategies
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Using visuals

Visuals can help to provide structure and routine, improve understanding, and avoid frustration.
Using Visuals
Quote Icon
If your child feels loved, they feel safe. If your child feels loved, they can open up to you. If your child feels loved, they will be courageous in life because they know they have a cushion to fall back on. If there’s one big gift we can give our children is to know they are truly love, no matter what.
Carolina King
MamaInstincts.com
Three Easy Steps

Guiding Behaviors

Children lack control within their daily lives. Their schedule is directed for them and much of the day is planned out and controlled by the adults in their lives. Power struggles emerge when children seek to assert their independence and control. Because children do have control over their body and language, the most common power struggles occur when children refuse or ignore our requests. However, by implementing a few easy-to-learn positive parenting techniques, you can give your child power within your boundaries – or “choices within a set of limits.”

Step 1

Do Away With Don’t

Negative commands, such as “don’t” and “no” require kids to double process. Kids have to answer two questions: 1. What do they NOT want me to do? and 2. What do they want me to do instead?

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Step 2

Make Eye Contact

When you need your child’s attention, make sure you get their attention–that means eye contact. When you lower yourself down and look them in the eye, you know your child sees and hears you – strengthening communication and your bond with your child.

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Step 3

Ensure Comprehension

A simple way to ensure your child has heard you and that they understand is to ask them to repeat back what you said.

Parenting Books

These science-based practical tips and resources can help you communicate better with your children, build closer relationships, and help them develop a healthy self-worth.

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Purposeful Parenting

Relationship-based care practices

Learning, including social and emotional development, happens within the context of healthy relationships.

Power of connection

Connection is about being both physically and emotionally present for your children. It is through this connection that children learn to feel safe within their relationship with their parents and know their basic needs will be met.

Why is connection so important?

  • Connection makes children feel safe and not alone
  • Connection makes children feel important and special
  • Connection gives children confidence and increases self-esteem

Cultivating Connection

Connecting with our children does not come naturally for everyone. Our own experiences and upbringing influence the ways in which we naturally connect. When something hasn’t been modeled for us, it doesn’t come naturally. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do it. It just means that we have to make a commitment to it and work at it.

  • Practice mindfulness and self-care. Finding time as a parent for ourselves can be challenging, but supporting our own mental and emotional wellness is important not only for ourselves but also for our children.
  • Learn to listen. Listening to learn, rather than respond, shows our children that we are present and care about them. Pay attention to your tone, body language, and responses when communicating with your children to listen without judgement.
  • Establish routines around connection. Take time each day to connect. As a parent, mealtimes, bath, and before bed are great times to spend one-on-one time with our children and put them first.

Coaching rather than controlling

There are a few different definitions of coaching, but when it relates to parenting, coaching means helping children learn rather than teaching them. A large part of our role as parents is supporting our children to reach their potential through supporting their social, emotional, physical, and cognitive development.

Emotion Coaching

Emotion coaching is a parenting technique that helps children understand their feelings. When we act as an emotional coach for our children, they learn how emotions work and how to react to feelings in healthy ways.parent

Five steps of emotion coaching

Parenting a strong-willed child

Strong willed children can be a challenge when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults. Self-motivated and inner-directed, these children go after what they want, rarely succumb to peer pressure, and become natural-born leaders.

Parenting Tips

  • Strong-willed children are experiential learners. That means they have to learn things themselves or the “hard way” rather than being told. Expect your child to test limits until they learn on their own.
  • Strong-willed children are prone to power-struggles. As a parent, you do not have to attend every argument to which your child invites you. Pick your battles, take a deep breath, and learn to avoid power struggles.
  • Give your child choices. As kids grow up, it’s important they have a say in their own scheduling. Giving a structured choice (one you can live with!) For example, “Do you want to take a shower after dinner or before?” can help them feel empowered and encourage self-regulation.
  • Parent with respect and empathy. Children want to be seen and heard and have their feelings validated. Listen to your child’s perspective, model respect by giving respect, and acknowledge your child’s strong emotions.

When it doesn’t feel like its working

When you enter a power struggle with your child, they are throwing things across the room, or screaming “I hate you!” – you may think “this is not working!”  You are not alone. All parents who practice positive parenting techniques have struggled with self-doubt – it is a natural parent of the parenting journey. Check out the seven reasons why it feels like positive parenting isn’t working from Parents with Confidence.

How to respond when your child tells you “no”

“No” is one of the top word toddlers hear. It is easy to say and demands a lot of attention. In fact, it is both developmentally appropriate and an expected milestone for children to assert their independence through the use of “no.” Rather than focusing from the adult perspective, (that your child is being defiant), think about what your child is really telling you. When your child tells you “no” they are simply stating that they do not want to do whatever you are telling them – which is valid. However, often we were not providing a choice. Consider validating that feeling by saying “I hear you. You do not want take a bath.” Then decide if you want to negotiate their demands or stand firm by saying “It is not a choice. It is bath time.” The use of transition warnings, reminders, and choices can limit your child’s desire to assert control and say “no.”

Featured Resource

Punishment vs. Discipline

Compare the differences between punishment and discipline strategies to discover ways to positively influence and guide your child's behaviors.
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