Developing Independence

Family

Behaviors & Emotions Developmental Milestones Infants & Toddlers Preschool Age Children School Age Children

Building Your Child’s Self-Help Skills

Children begin to learn new self-care skills when adults invite them to be part of the process – resisting the urge to do things to or for them. Self-help skills encourage young children to start taking responsibility for themselves and are an essential life skill.

Helping young children develop skills — and a sense of self

From birth, children are on a quest for independence. We see this as babies try to spoon-feed themselves or insist on taking off their own diapers. We also see it when toddlers demand to dress themselves or say “Me do it!“

What is it?

Four essential areas of self-help skills

Allow

Self-feeding

Learn More

Encourage

Self-dressing

Try These Tips

Support

Toileting and handwashing

Potty Training

Motivate

Helping with chores

Learn More

Choose your words wisely. Being as clear as possible about what he can and can’t decide for himself as you support your child’s growth and independence will reduce frustrations for both of you.

Laurel Bongiorno, PhD

Growing Independence: Tips for Parents of Toddlers and Twos, NAEYC

Parenting Strategies

Supporting Your Child's Independence

Developing independence builds a sense of self and self-esteem - an "I can do it!" attitude. As you provide opportunities for independence and show your child that you trust their choices, you will strengthen your connection with your child.

Start Small

Give your child choices about simple everyday decisions. When kids are offered choices they feel respected, valued, and encouraged. Offer one to three choices to which you are comfortable answering yes.

Offer choices like:

“Would you like pancakes or cereal for breakfast?”
“Would you like me to hold your hand or would you like me to carry you?”
“Which park should we go to? The big one or the little one?”

Lend a Helping Hand

Children love to help! In addition to building independence, this is a great tool for calming tantrums or redirecting behavior by giving them a sense of control.

When you allow your child to help, you are:

Giving your child a sense of control
Fostering confidence
Communicating trust
Providing an opportunity for connection

While this may involve adding an extra step or two, it is also a great way to involve your child in daily routines and activities.

It’s okay to climb up the slide!

Children grow and learn when they have the permission and opportunities they need to take risks: to climb high, to wander independently, to use grown-up tools, to bike down a hill as fast as they can. Step back and watch your child learn what their body can–and cannot–do!

A healthy risk is something that might make you cringe, but it will support your child’s growth and development.

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Strategies for Supporting Your Child’s Independence

Spend time with Lauren, our family support specialist and mother of two, to learn more about how to support your child’s growing independence.

Strategies for helping

I’ll Start, You Finish

This approach is great for self-help skills, like dressing and feeding.

Examples

Open the top of a banana and separate part of the peel then let your child pull each section down
Pull your child’s arms out of their sleeves then let them pull it off of their head

Strategies for helping

Let’s Do It Together

Often called “hand-over-hand”, this approach is great for very challenging tasks or tasks that require hands-on assistance. Work together to complete a task to give your child a sense of accomplishment and build cooperation skills.

Examples

Cracking eggs into a bowl
Cutting soft foods with a child’s knife
Using real tools

Strategies for helping

I’ll Show You Then You Try

Try this method for tasks that require basic skills, like putting dirty clothes in a basket or putting away groceries.

Things children can help with:

Emptying the dishwasher
Feeding pets
Cleaning – like picking up toys, sorting laundry, dusting, and making their bed
Pulling weeds
Making a meal or snack

Age-Appropriate Chores

Let Your Child Choose

Provide two or three options within a set of limits, like choosing what to wear or which cup to use. Providing choices is especially helpful when your child insists on doing it their way, like getting dressed, crossing the street, or brushing their teeth.

Pick Your Battles

The easiest way to avoid an unnecessary battle is to take a few seconds to ask yourself: "Will this matter a year from now?" At the end of the day, wearing a tutu over a superhero costume with rain boots is just not that big of a deal!

Give Your Child a Job

Even young children can help out around the house. Chores or jobs help your child build a sense of responsibility and self-reliance and also help you get things done!

Let Your Child Solve Their Own Problems

When children are first learning to crawl or walk, we must let them fall. When they're learning to put on their shoes, let them do it their way! Refrain from solving their problems for them. Wait until they ask for help or provide a small hint to get them to the next step.

Independent Play

Building Independence through Play

Unstructured play is very important for fostering creativity, problem-solving and independence.

Open-ended materials

Offer your child a variety of art materials (crayons, markers, chalk), building materials (blocks, Magna-Tiles, LEGO) and pretend play props (hats, pots and spoons, cardboard box), then let their imagination take over.

Power of Play

"I'm bored" Jar

The basic idea of a “Bored Jar” is a jar, box, or bucket of some kind filled with ideas of chores and activities that children can do when they say "I'm bored!"

150 Ideas

LEGO Calendar

With 31 different LEGO play ideas, this calendar is the perfect tool to encourage independence in older preschoolers and school-aged children.

Print Resource

Featured Resource

Encouraging Independent Play

Learn more about supporting your child's independent play skills from toddlerhood and beyond using this amazing resource from PBS.

PBS for Parents

Building Your Child’s Self-Help Skills

Helping young children develop skills — and a sense of self

Four essential areas of self-help skills

Self-feeding

Self-dressing

Toileting and handwashing

Helping with chores

Supporting Your Child's Independence

Start Small

Offer choices like:

Lend a Helping Hand

When you allow your child to help, you are:

It’s okay to climb up the slide!

A healthy risk is something that might make you cringe, but it will support your child’s growth and development.

Strategies for Supporting Your Child’s Independence

I’ll Start, You Finish

Examples

Let’s Do It Together

Examples

I’ll Show You Then You Try

Things children can help with:

Let Your Child Choose

Pick Your Battles

Give Your Child a Job

Let Your Child Solve Their Own Problems

Building Independence through Play

Open-ended materials

"I'm bored" Jar

LEGO Calendar

Encouraging Independent Play

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