Parenting & Caregiving Styles

Teach children to ask permission before touching or hugging a playmate. Use language like, “Mary, let’s ask John if he would like to hug bye-bye.” If John says “no”, help your children respect boundaries and tell her, “John said no. He does not want a hug. That’s okay! Let’s wave bye-bye to him instead.”

Teach your children that “no” and “stop” are important words and should be respected. Like the scenario above, it was important to respect John’s “no” and help Mary understand that. During play, help children check-in with their playmates when they hear these words and explain that when we  hear “no” we always stop what we’re doing immediately. No matter what.

Parents also need to respect their children’s boundaries, too! Model consent by not tickling, hugging, kissing, or wrestling children when they say no.

Give children the opportunity to say yes or no in everyday choices. Let them choose their clothing or have a say in what they wear, what they play, or the color of their cup at lunchtime. Children lack a lot of control over their lives, so allowing them to make choices supports their desire for independence, reduces power struggles, and shows them that their voice and opinions matter.

Obviously, there are times when they don’t have a choice (like riding in their car seat or taking a nap!), but help them understand that you heard their request and that it mattered to you, but that you want to keep them safe and healthy. Say things like “I hear you. You aren’t ready to nap. Your body needs to rest. Let’s race upstairs and read together before you go to sleep!”

Talk about “gut feelings” or instincts. Sometimes things make us feel weird, or scared, or yucky and we don’t know why. Ask your child if that has ever happened with them and listen quietly as they explain. For younger children, the concept of intuition is very abstract, but they can understand that they have a “belly voice” and this voice talks to them when things do not seem right.

Teach them that this “belly voice” is sometimes correct, and that if they ever have a gut feeling that is confusing, they can always come to you for help in sorting through their feelings and making decisions.

Never force a child to hug, touch or kiss anybody, for any reason, even grandparents! If Grandma is demanding a kiss and your child is resistant, offer alternatives by saying something like, “Would you rather give Grandma a high-five or blow her a kiss, maybe?”

You can always explain to Grandma, later, what you’re doing and why. But don’t make a big deal out of it in front of your kid. Create good-bye routines or rituals that give choices and establish that as the normal. When it’s time to go, say something like “We are leaving now and it is time to say goodbye. Would you like to give Grandpa a hug, kiss, or high-five?” Respect their choice, if is their answer is “no.”

Allow children to talk about their body in any way they want, without shame. Teach them the correct words for their genitals, and make yourself a safe place for talking about bodies and sex.

Teach kids that the way their bodies are changing is great, but can sometimes be confusing. The way you talk about these changes — whether it’s loose teeth or pimples and pubic hair — will show your willingness to talk about other sensitive subjects.