Responding to Toddler Behaviors & Emotions

Family

Behaviors and Emotions Supporting My Child's Development Infants and Toddlers

The Secret Language of Toddlers

Toddlers are realizing that they are separate individuals from their parents and caregivers. This means that they are driven to assert themselves, to communicate their preferences, and to act independently (as much as they can!). At the same time, toddlers do not understand logic and still have a hard time with waiting and self-control. In a nutshell: toddlers want what they want when they want it!

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Play helps build a warm relationship between family members and create a bank of positive feelings and experiences that can be drawn upon in times of conflict. Through play, you can help your children solve problems, test out ideas, and explore their imaginations.

Carolyn Webster-Stratton

Founder, Incredible Years® series

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Social-Emotional Development

Toddlers feel the same feelings we do as adults but lack the language to verbally express themselves and the self-regulation skills to experience emotions "appropriately."

Learning to handle strong feelings

Toddlers live in a “glass case of emotion” where feelings may swing wildly from moment to moment. They may be excited when getting an ice cream cone and then in tears when it drips on their hands.

Your child is struggling when they:

Has a meltdown when you can’t understand their words
Says “no” when they actually means “yes”
Gets angry and throws or hits during play
Cannot settle for a substitute (if your child wants to red truck he/she may refuse and be upset by other toys, even other colored trucks)
Has a tantrum when they cannot have what they want
Gets frustrated when their independence is limited (when you do something for them rather than letting them try first)

Developing the skills needed to manage their emotions

What toddlers (and all children) really need is emotional validation and support. Provide your child with loving guidance as they work to figure out how to cope with their wide range of emotions.

Signs your child is developing skills in managing big emotions when they are:

Uses words or signs to get your attention, ask for help, or when frustrated (even just briefly);
Uses words or signs instead of expressing emotions with aggression, like hitting or throwing
Self-talks to reassure themselves when frustrated or frightened, like saying “You are safe” during a thunderstorm or “Daddy will come back” after dropped off at Grandma’s house
Re-enacts a stressful event, like a doctor’s visit, through play (using dolls and puppets is a great way of working through big emotions with your child!)
Tells you the rules or feels badly about breaking rules, like saying “No, no bite” after biting you or someone else (Toddlers lack the self-control to stop before acting, so this is a great sign things are beginning to click!)

Practicing self-control and the developing brain

Self-control is a skill that begins developing in infancy and continues well into the 20’s

In toddlers, the frontal lobe, or control center, of the brain has not started to developed. Therefore, toddlers lack skills like impulse control, delayed gratification, etc. When we look at self-regulation and emotional development as a skill that has yet to develop, it changes the way we respond and support social-emotional development.

Self-regulation includes:

Regulate reactions to emotions like frustration or excitement
Calm down after something exciting or upsetting
Focus on a task, like playing or getting dressed
Refocus attention after changing tasks or transitioning
Control impulses, especially physically and verbally
Learn behavior that helps you get along with other people, like turn taking, waiting, and sharing (which develop between the ages of 3-6 years)

All behavior has meaning

Understanding the Why Behind Behaviors

All behavior is meaningful and purposeful! Certain behaviors are experienced as confusing or challenging when we don’t understand the message children are trying to send or the behavior is viewed out of context. Messages include:

“I’m hungry”
“That’s mine!”
“I want you to play with me”
“I am overstimulated”

All behavior has meaning

Toddlers may exhibit behaviors for many reasons

Seeking independence
Lack of language or communication skills
Lack of emotional regulation skills due to typical brain development
Avoiding undesired tasks or activities
Attention seeking
Learning how to handle big emotions
Lack of understanding of logic and reasoning
And more!

All behavior has meaning

Challenging behaviors are normal

There are many times when your child’s behavior warms and embraces your heart. But, there are other times when it probably drives you a little crazy. As a toddler, your child may lack the self-control to express anger peacefully and may naturally lash out, perhaps hitting or biting in frustration.

As their brain develops and they learn more appropriate coping techniques, including communication skills, behaviors naturally decrease.

Featured Resource

Strategies for Supporting Biting Behaviors

Biting by infants, toddlers, and two-year old is a typical behavior. As children gain language, self-control, and problem-solving skills, they usually outgrow it. Yet, biting is often upsetting to families. Understanding the whys and how to support your child is the first step in responding appropriately!

Building the skills to manage big emotions

As a parent, your job is to help your toddler navigate the range of strong emotions they may be experiencing by providing emotional validation (or support) and the skills your growing toddler is likely still developing.

When you see your child struggling, it usually means they lack certain skills, like language or self-control.

This means that that they can’t figure out how to express their feelings in an acceptable way or don’t know how to get their needs met. These situations create opportunities to show your child a different, more constructive way to handle big feelings and emotions.

Talk about feelings and emotions

When your child can label how they are feeling, it helps him gain control over their emotions and communicate them to others.

Read books, sing songs & watch appropriate shows and talk about what the characters are feeling.
- Book List about feelings and emotions
Label your own feelings and how to express them appropriately, like “Daddy is angry. I am going to take 3 deep breaths. I feel better now.”

Help your child emotionally problem-solve

Validate and label what your child is feeling.
Set a clear limit on behavior.
Suggest ways your child can feel better, like offering up ideas for how to manage strong emotions.
Offer alternative solutions to solve the problem.

Practice self-control

Empathize with your child. Empathizing does not mean “giving in” but rather communicates understanding an validates their feelings
Provide your child a visual aid to make waiting easier, like a timer or picture schedule
Offer your child choices. Let your child make choices appropriate to their age, like choosing what color cup to use at snack or asking “Would you like to hold my hand or be carried?”
Look for ways to help your child “practice” self-control during play and family routines
Praise your child when they show self control, like “You waited for your turn on the slide. I saw that. Waiting is hard.”